What do they wear in Topeka, Kansas?

From Chapter One, Page 15


Todd asked, “What did you do for the first time tonight?”

“It happened at my job. I work part-time at a hotel and…”

Michelle jumped in: “It’s the Days Inn on Main Street.”

Todd raised his eyebrows. “I know it well.”

I looked at him strangely. “You do?”

Todd looks over at Roger, who was snuggling with his fiancée Lori. The two guys just laughed. I blushed for some unknown reason.

Betty wasn’t interested in their nonsense. She said to me: “Nevermind them. What did you do, Joseph?”

“Oh, now I can’t tell you. I’m embarrassed.”

Todd put his hand on my leg. It super-charged me. “Don’t be embarrassed. You can tell us. You’re not among strangers here.”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said it: “I took off all my clothes and swam naked in the hotel swimming pool.”

The room erupted in laughter and applause. Well, almost everyone. Michelle just rolled her eyes and started working on her toenails.

Todd squeezed my leg. “Joseph, I think you’re gonna like the night club I work at just fine.”

I just smiled at him. Totally enamored. It was very easy talking to him.

“Listen, I gotta run out to my car and get my bag. It’s almost time to go to bed. Are you staying over, too?”

The question caught me off-guard. I started stuttering. “Oh, no…I have to go home myself. By myself. I mean…”

Todd shrugged. “Too bad.” He smiled and left the house to go to his car.

Oh, what I wouldn’t have given at that moment to not have a home to go to. To be a homeless orphan without a room or a bed.

I looked at Roger and Betty with wide eyes. “He is so cool!”

Roger yawned. “Yeah, he’s a trip all right.”

“Can we really go to his nightclub, Betty?”

Betty stumped out her cigarette and smiled at me. She knew something I didn’t. (Or did I?) “Sure. I think it would be fun.”

“And Michelle – you’ll go, too?”

Michelle was asleep – snoring.

I ran my fingers through my hair which was still damp from my impromptu skinny dip in the hotel swimming pool. “Well, even if Michelle doesn’t want to go – I’m going!”

And then a sudden, horrible thought struck me.

Betty was concerned. “What’s wrong?”

I bit my lip. “I just hope I have the right thing to wear. What do they wear in Topeka, Kansas?”

A bitch, a witch, a stud, a fiancee, and a DJ...

From Chapter 1, Page 12:

Thrown back to reality from the magic wonderland Todd’s music had momentarily transported me to, I took in my surroundings…observed the cast of characters of my life.

Michelle – 19. Long legs. Big boobs. Waist-length hair. Bad breath. A girl who thought being a bit of a bitch gave her character and mystery…instead, these qualities just made her a bigger bitch. But she was a nice bitch. Sometimes.

Betty – 51. She was Mother Earth living in a trailer park on the outskirts of town. She looked like the one-eyed crone from that movie The Dark Crystal. But oh! The beauty and light her ugly appearance hid, making her one of the most breathtaking women I knew. Life had hit her hard (a husband who came out gay fifteen years and 2 kids into their marriage, drinking, smoking, a bad work record, even worse credit) but she was one of the most intelligent and charming people on the planet.

Roger – 22. An All-American stud. Michelle’s brother and Betty’s oldest child. The man of the house who had left Kansas for Colorado Springs and the wonders of the Air Force Academy. Michelle once told me her father had a huge cock and her brother inherited it. (I never asked the creepy question on how Michelle knew the length and girth of not one, but two male members of her family.)

Lori – 22. Pretty. Blonde. Petite. Roger’s fiancée.

And now Todd Christopher had entered the equation. The DJ. I quickly learned he was 23, had gone to high school with Roger, and was going to be the best man in the upcoming December wedding. He also had a past.

Trailer Park Passion

From Chapter One, Page 11

Oh my gosh, what was happening in this trailer park tonight? I thought I would just hear tales of what the Air Force Academy was like from Michelle’s brother, and instead I was about to start drinking and give a college thesis on why the incestuous horror novels of VC Andrews were some of the most important literary works this country had ever known. All in the company of Todd Christopher. A name that was the best name in the history of names.

“Don’t be embarrassed to have a dream, Joseph.” Todd said when he returned with drinks for everyone.

“Here, here! I’ll drink to that!” Betty lifted her glass.

Todd toasted his glass with mine. “I have a dream, too.”

“Really?” I winced after sipping the drink – it was strong! But I wanted to look cool so I quickly swallowed and did everything in my power not to cough.

Todd stared at me – amused. He seemed as curious with me as I was with him. (Or was that just me hoping he was?)

“So what’s your dream, Todd?” I asked.

Todd winked and reached into the leather bag at his feet. He pulled out a tape player and a very sophisticated-looking set of headphones. He took the glass out of my hands and suddenly moved behind me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck as he slowly slid the headphones over my ears.

I was distracted by the awareness that one of his hands was still on the headphones. A hand that was five inches away from my lips. A hand that was seventeen inches away from my chest. Twenty seven inches away from my belly button. Thirty inches away from my…

Todd whispered: “Close your eyes, Joseph. And listen to my dream.”

The music started… and I suddenly knew then that God was cool. How else could you explain this music – this dance-infected, heart-lifting, joy-riding music – that was being pumped into my ears? It made me feel alive – the music was in synch with the beat of my heart. Surely God had used this music for inspiration during the six days it took to create the world.

Six days. I wondered what Todd and I could do if we had six days to do whatever we wanted. Just him and me…and his music.

Adults-Only Monopoly

From Chapter One, Page 9:

The instant I met Todd Christopher, the entire world turned into an adults-only zone. Just like that, life went from Candyland to a very high stakes game of Monopoly. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You are now officially in love.

His eyes sent an emotional bolt through my brain so strong that I was suddenly aware of every nerve ending in my body – from the obvious ones in the head of my penis to unknown sensation centers behind my ears.

Is this how Adam felt when he saw Eve for the first time after eating that apple? Nervous and ashamed and scared…yet also aroused with the knowledge that the world suddenly had secrets. Secrets that were meant to be unlocked, discovered, and devoured.

Suddenly – my body was the biggest secret at all. What else could it be used for? To even imagine that it was possible that this body could be used for things besides just eating and walking and sitting and sleeping…why, the urge to find out just what all these “uses” were overwhelmed me!

And the man who I suddenly knew had the answers to these questions was sitting before me now. He was masculine and intoxicatingly male and mysterious and dangerous and wore glasses. Not the nerdy kind. These glasses made him mysterious, not bookish. Already I knew the intelligence his brain harbored was the kind you wouldn’t find in books. At least, not the kinds of books my mother would approve of me reading.

Aquaman lives in the Days Inn swimming pool...

From Chapter 1, Page 8

I backstroked – letting the water caress my naked body. I imagined that it was coming to life and making love to me. Wanting me. Wishing it would take me under and fill me. Drowning me with passion. Laying on my back in the water, I let the relaxing flit-float, flit-float drift me away…

I dreamed about Aquaman coming out of the water. Blonde, perfect, frat-boy Aquaman. This entire time he’d been hiding in the Days Inn swimming pool waiting for me to jump in so that he could finally ask me to marry him.

Aquaman said: “Hi Joseph, I’ve come to take you to the Hall of Justice. You’ll get to have breakfast every morning with Wonder Woman and help me feed my fish.”

Water suddenly spurted out of my nose and I woke up with a shock. There were other people coming into the pool! Where was my swimsuit? Frantically swimming over to the ladder my trunks were hanging off of, I quickly pulled them on just as the elderly couple from Detroit walked onto the patio.

The elderly woman instantly recognized me. “Well, hello stranger! Look Louis, it’s the man at the front desk. Are you checking in guests here as well?”

I politely laughed at her joke, looking longingly at the pool water. Oh, if only Aquaman really did live in this swimming pool…

The Writer becomes the Character...

From Chapter 1, Page 6:

I looked at my book sitting on the table. My salvation. My way out. And I realized that what I thought would be my flying carpet out of this town was just a bunch of papers with words on it.

My voice was an unsteady whisper. “I see.”

Cynthia reached out for my hand. “Oh, Joseph, don’t be discouraged. The way you write and use words and show your humor – you are gifted. You have more talent in your fingertip than I do in my entire body. How I managed to crank out two mystery novels and get them published – it’s a fluke. And of course, now that I’ve stopped smoking, I can’t write worth a damn anymore.”

Cynthia opened up the cigarette box on the table and took out the pack of gum hidden inside.

Not wanting to give up hope, I said: “Maybe if I reworked some of the chapters…”

Cynthia shook her head. “I want you to go out there and get some life experience under your belt. Then write again. You’ll be amazed at how much richer your stories will be.”

“Life experience? What am I supposed to do – rob a bank?”

“I have a dare for you. Instead of being the writer, why don’t you try being the character for a change?”

One Singular Sensation...and a Very Embarrasing Situation

From Chapter One, Page 4:

But they took my money and gave me a membership card. And I promptly enrolled in the morning’s aerobics class – I wasn’t brave enough to enter the labyrinth of the weight-lifting room. I still had a ways to go before facing that Minotaur of Masculinity known as the bench press.

“Are you a runner?” The aerobics instructor asked me after the class.

“Um, yeah…kinda,” I nodded, for I was a bit of a regular jogger. I had done it to lose weight for the senior musical last fall.

We did “A Chorus Line” for the high school musical. What should have been one singular sensation was instead something comparable to an epileptic seizure by a lactose-intolerant psychopath. It was ridiculous material for a bunch of kids from Western Kansas to perform, and our small-town audience which was used to “Hello, Dolly” fare had watched the play with disbelief, confusion, and in the end…boredom.

“You have great legs - maybe you can even teach this class one day!” The instructor winked before leaving.

Her praise and unexpected flirtation (even though very innocent) made me look at myself in a different way. I paused to stare at myself in the mirror of the aerobics room. Hmmm…my legs weren’t too bad. Could I be attractive? Could I even be (oh, it’s ridiculous to think it) a sexual creature?